It feels like decades since I even thought about blogging, much less actually take a moment out of my day to sit and write about what I’ve been up to. Lately I’ve been feeling like the novelty of having a blog has worn off due to surge of lifestyle blogs and ‘influencers'.

When primary school Nicole started writing her feelings on a blog for friends (and the world) to see, there was no way she could have imagined it to be an actual career; a luxurious one, at that. It’s so nostalgic thinking about tagboards and blogskins and the bi-weekly love letter directed at whom I was crushing on at that very moment. Oh, pre-teen boy-crazy Nicole would have such a laugh seeing what her life has come to now. That’s a laugh of relief, I’d say.

I think I forgot how to be vulnerable, especially with so many eyes on me at all times. In ways I’ve become quite the perfectionist, but in the negative sense in which I wouldn’t even try something in fear of not doing it quite right. Here’s the sitch; my room is a mess, but I can’t be bothered redoing it because what if I disliked it still, all that work would’ve been for nothing. I’ve always been one to keep a diary, but lately I haven’t been penning my thoughts because I don’t think I have anything to talk or write about. But that’s simply not true. I’ve got so many words to say, so many thoughts I’d like to articulate but won’t for not wanting to be disrupted when Lexi wakes from her nap, or what if it wasn’t good enough to be posted on the internet? Then all that typing would’ve been for nothing.

I’ve decided that whatever I write out today, I will post on this blog that I’ve stopped promoting so there wouldn’t be the pressure for my sentences to make sense or to allow for people who don’t know me as it is, think that I’m less of a person because of it.

Here’s my problem. I think I’ve lost control of my life. And I’m at a loss for how to regain control of it. I’ve always been years ahead of my life planning. At 10, I said I would be driving by 16. In high school ended I knew exactly what university, what degree I would be taking and how fast I would graduate. In university and being surrounded with the partying culture, I decided maybe I would never find a guy I liked enough to ever settle down. In malls and in the bus I’d glance at a mother trying to calm her tantrum-throwing child and thought to myself, maybe I’d never have a kid and that’s fine by me. I was going to work an office job and move out of my parent’s home and in a few years I was going to cross oceans just to spend time with a boy I thought I knew, and knew me in return.

But now I know that was never a plan, but in fact an inkling of another life.

There are days where I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for the life I lead because I have a precious little family I love with every ounce of my being. I grew up never having much faith in family because I did not have a great relationship with my parents. But right now my relationship with my parents is at the best it's been my entire life, because I now understand the choices they have to make as parents and they approve of the direction Kendall and I are heading.

God, the universe, or whoever is running this show has been incredibly generous and I am so happy.

In saying this, there are days that I allow negative emotions to pull me under. I have to admit it's much worse in recent weeks. I'm such a spiritual person, meaning I rely on astrology to guide me day by day (Daily Horoscope is the first app I check in the morning). Long story short, April was a month of the Mercury Retrograde and the Pink Moon in Scorpio, giving me a lot of emotions to reflect on and sort through that I have been pushing aside.

Since I'm adamant on ripping myself apart tonight, I might as well share the event I've tried so long to suppress. Two years ago right before I got the family of my dreams, I did something horrible to someone that meant a lot to me. Ever since then I've been waiting for karma to run me over but it never did. I used to think getting pregnant at nineteen was the punishment, but how do I look into the eyes of an angel and think that she wasn't the purest form of love? How do I regret the events that led up to the creation of the one person I loved the most in the world?

I hate that it was at the expense of somebody else, but it's been years and I need to forgive myself, because I know that he never will. I'm still trying to convince myself that that's okay. 
Admittedly living where I live, and being around the people that I was around made it so easy to forget your morals. It is disgusting how common/accepted it is in this community to cheat, and partying is such a poor excuse to throw caution into the wind. But I was okay with it, and in fact embraced the idea that my body held that much power over someone else. But no, it was so stupid of me to think that. On hindsight I should have never put myself in those situations but I believe that everything that happens is a lesson and 'power' is the last word I would use because I have never felt so helpless. I should have never given in to someone just to get them off my back or because I was too drunk to bother or too afraid to offend someone or because he was my ride home.

If I had wanted to have fun and party, I should've learnt how to protect myself instead of blaming a clueless boy who couldn't because he was miles away trying to protect an entire country. As I mentioned before, I did something horrible to someone who meant a lot to me. And that was to seek comfort in someone else because I knew I meant a lot to him. It was not okay to fuck around with other people's feelings but it is part of my story that has a happy ending (so far).

I've aged decades in the span of less than two years, and is it possible that I'm feeling both grief and relief? I get asked a lot if it's my baby sister I'm holding in my arms, and comments almost on the daily about how I look no older than eighteen and it makes me nostalgic for my teenhood(?) but at the same time I'm so over the whole drinking or being irresponsible thing?

Writing this really helped me sort through all the thoughts I've been trying to push down for months and even years, and I am so anxious about publishing this. But I've all but hidden this blog away and am confident about it not being read. But if it is, well I hoped there's some value in what I have rambled on about.

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